I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
