so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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