just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Randomize
