I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
