I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
