I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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