Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
