I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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