i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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