it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Randomize
