So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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