I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
