In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
