I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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