paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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