I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
