Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
