were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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