So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
