i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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