I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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