and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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