my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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