I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
