I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Randomize
