He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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