i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
