did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I love how my cats smell like pot.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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