I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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