My liver just broke up with me...
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
it hurts more in the daytime
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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