I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
please don't ironically join a cult
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