I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i wish my penis had a tongue
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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