it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
