I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
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