Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
