she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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