Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
