epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
