Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
