I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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