The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
They are going to name an STD after you.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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