I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
