That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
