Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
