we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Randomize
