Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I am available for nakedness
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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