the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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