so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
