Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
