Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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