The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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