I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
